Woodrow Wilson Copypasta

The Woodrow Wilson Copypasta or the Wilson Copypasta is a copypasta written by redditor BreakfastEither814. The copypasta was first posted on r/Presidents, a subreddit dedicated to American history, under a post asking what redditors would do if they could go back in time and do or say anything to the former First Lord of the United States Woodrow Wilson.

The copypasta first goes off on a stream of consciousness about the last name “Wilson”, then goes into detail about tracking down the aforementioned First Lord (albeit incorrectly identifying him as a President), and breaking his nose with a Wilson basketball until he looks just like Owen Wilson, and officially changing his name to “Lightning McWilsonFace”.

Copypasta

“If you could go back and time and do or say one thing to Woodrow Wilson, what would it be?”

I would take a basketball, specifically a Wilson™️ basketball, and find out where he lives.

Obviously, since he was the president and all that hoo, his house would be one of those big fancy houses with a fence. Keep in mind that I, a time traveler, have watched Home Improvement and he has not. I would be dressed as a repairman, equipped with a toolkit, and the basketball. Maybe I’ll also say I’m going to repair his toilet, and dunk his head in the toilet.

I wouldn’t go up to his door nicely. Oh, no. Instead, I would bang on his fence as hard as I possibly can with my toolkit, like Tim did in Home Improvement, shouting the classic Home Improvement line “WILLL-SON!!!”.

He obviously answers to the name “Wilson”, just like Wilson W. Wilson (the W stands for Wilson), the annoying neighbour in Home Improvement, does. He obviously thinks I am a repairman trying to repair his house.

I am not. I’m actually trying to repair the planet by saving it from all the damage Wilson did. Maybe I am a repairman. I watched a lot of thecynicalhistorian “Wilson” videos (you know, the videos where he gets mad and quotes Home Improvement every 10 milliseconds), and apparently this woodchuck lookin dude is to blame for a lot of stuff.

This took me by surprise – I love Wilsons. My favourite Wilson is Owen. He has a broken nose and says wow a lot. I can’t wait for The Haunted Mansion to come out. The Wilsons are in a lot of movies. But there probably would be more after I’m done with Wilson. There probably will be flying cars that are modeled after the legend himself, Wowen Wowlson. The takeoff noise would be “KACHOW”.

So back to the Wilson residence, this is when I pick up the basketball. I stare directly at the word “Wilson“ printed onto the front and I shout “WILLLLLLL-SON!!!” again, this time at it. I know what I need to do, and I am more ready than Owen Wilson in a saying wow contest.

I pick up the basketball like a dodgeball, and I throw it straight into Wilson’s face. He is now in a daze, and only seeing the word Wilson floating around the sky. He is probably very self-centered, and, well, that’s what the basketball said.

I pick up the basketball again, and chuck it in his face again. He has literally no idea what is going on now, and he’s spluttering random names like “Owen!…..Luke!…..Andrew!”. Those are the Wilsons! How does he know about the Wilsons? Maybe he’s their Dad. If he needed to explain something to them, would he say “Well, son…”? Get it? It sounds like “Wilson”!

I take the basketball, and slam dunk it into his Groundhog Day-looking top hat-wearing head again. Instead of saying “Kobe” or “Matisse”, I said “WILLLLLL-SON!!!”. Then I thought “Stopping Wilson will surely be an improvement for the world!”. Improvement. Like Home Improvement. Get it????

I decide to repeatedly chuck the basketball at his face like volleyball practice, until finally his nose is broken. He looks just like Owen Wilson. Nice. I broke his nose in the most Wilsons way possible!!! I feel so epic I shout KACHOW.

For real, who names their kid ”Wow-Wow-Wilson”??? Just name them Owen, like a normal person!!! It sounds a lot like “Wow! Wow! Wubbzy!”. That show was my childhood. Widget is basically Home Improvement. She also has a Wilsonlike accent. Wubbzy obviously says wow a lot, so he’s probably Owen Wilson. It’s a cool show, but now I just watch Home Improvement and Wilson movies.

Imagine having a president named ”Wow-Wow-Wilson”!!!!!!!!

“Now we won’t…” I say, as I drag him by his Luke Wilson-looking hairdo into an official name-changing office, and after breaking his nose, for good measure, I change his name to “Lightning McWilsonFace”.